Day Thirteen

Another day in therapy. I didn't feel too bad this morning; that's always pleasant. I had a pretty deep session with Chris today. It started me thinking about what is the deep-down reason for my problem with anxiety and my low self-esteem. Later on today we had a class called"Family Legacies" which sounds harmless enough but almost as the class began, I started weeping, thinking about my dad and how I missed him, but more importantly, how I felt about being a disappointment to him. I never felt that I measured up to his idea of a proper son. What, with my being fat, in poor condition (for my age) and my bed-wetting, I always felt that my father didn't love me. Later on in my life, when I was an adult and working in his shop, the opposite happened; he wanted to spend free time with me, but I wasn't interested(to be fair to me, I had spent all my working days in his company; I sure didn't need to see him at night). Now that he lives far away and basically out of touch (except for the odd time I call him) I find myself missing him and I fear that the next time I see him, it will be at his funeral. I constantly dream about him and I feel this is telling me something. Can there be some closure to this? Could my constant feelings of anxiety be a side effect of this need for my father. I'm going to talk to Chris again tomorrow and perhaps bring it up with Dr. Sargent. Stay tuned.