Day Ten

Well, here I am on day ten. I've made it halfway through the course. I feel that I've accomplished something; I've attended the various courses and participated as best I could as well as had many in-depth sessions with my Dr. and therapist. I felt reasonably good this morning which was a relief as I've felt pretty lousy the last few days. I'm now considering the aftermath; regular therapy sessions. As usual, I inwardly rejected the idea of going to these sessions in the morning when I feel my worst but I realize that a lot more progress will be made if I do just that. Logic is a harsh mistress.

Day Nine

Today was not too bad. I was terribly sleepy this morning. The day as a whole went by ok and got to do a little artwork in "Creative Expression." I sculpted a green frog with a big yellow top hat. That was fun. I also showed a selected portfolio of my artwork to Dr. Sargent who was appropriately impressed. I think I'd better have a big regular coffee tomorrow morning to keep me awake. One more day and I'm at the halfway point.

Day Eight

Well, here I am on my eighth day in therapy. Very slow with not much going on today. Saw Dr. Sargent this morning. The session went well, and we skated round the issue of therapy beyond this month-long program. I think I can handle a once-a-week therapy program. The Dr. suggested that I should attend when I'm feeling my worst ie. first thing in the morning. Urgh. He's right of course, and I told him so. He seems to think I'm progressing and showing some courage. I'll say this: now I understand what courage feels like; it feels awful!

Ah...Wonderful Sleep!

I did nothing today. Except for the time I spent sleeping. Just wonderful.

A Blessed Day Off

It was nice not to have to get up today. Wonderful sleeps. Went to church in the afternoon and went to the park and sat by the river for an hour with my wife. Very peaceful. Hope the upcoming week will be better than the last.

Day Seven

Today started rough; it's been difficult for me in the mornings for the last three or fours days now. I'm sleepy even though I'd had good sleep the night before and I'm quite depressed. Today my wife joined me in a session with Dr. Sargent and Chris at 8:30 am. I knew that I'd be in a vulnerable state but I also knew that I'd be less likely to gloss over things with my usual charm. I was uncomfortable but I felt I'd get to the heart of things inside in less time. I short, it was deemed that I should generally try to push against my unwillingness to do certain things so that I could see that I'm capable of more than I think. At the time, of course, I was resistant to the idea and also the idea of therapy continuing beyond my sessions right now. Later on in the morning, about an hour and a half after the morning session, I told Chris that I could undertake a once a week therapy course after my stay at Day Treatment. She was astounded by my change of mind. I reminded her that my mood improved as the day wore on. That's why I don't think that having therapy sessions in the afternoon would give accurate information about my inner feelings. Those feelings are much closer to the surface in my vulnerable, morning mood.
After all that, Drumming was fun today and, of course, it was Friday. It's been a long time since I looked forward to the weekends. I hope next week goes a little better.

Day Six

Day six went by without too much stress. It was better than yesterday; the morning, I mean. Brenna will join me in a meeting with Dr. Sargent tomorrow morning. I hope it goes allright. I'm only concerned because I'm definitely not at my best in the morning. Sure glad that tomorrow is Friday. :)

Day Five

It was not as good a day as I had expected. At least, the morning wasn't. I was sleepy in spite of a fairly good night's sleep. (probably because my inner clock has been conditioned for the last ten years to be awake at night and asleep during the day). I had an early morning session with Chris and I was not in the mood for it; there was a lot of questions and I'm not very verbal in the morning so my defenses were weak. The long and short of it was that I cried. I'm not ashamed of that; I knew that would happen at some point and will happen again. I learned a little more about my lack of self esteem and how close to the surface it often is. The day got a little better and after lunch I felt more normal. I did not see Dr. Sargent today but probably will tomorrow.
Brenna will join me with Dr. Sargent on Friday morning. Glad that I'm home now and I hope tomorrow will be better.

Day Four

Well, I had a pretty good day, all told. A good session with my therapist, Chris and a good session with Dr. Sargent. The doctor seemed more empathic today and I found myself feeling less nervous about him. It was a busy day of classes and yoga and I felt that I was beginning to adapt to the whole program. I can't know what will be involved in the weeks to come, but so far, I'm feeling better about it.

Day Three

Day 3 passed without any trouble. Had another Community Meeting that was mostly silence, so I suppose that means nothing much is wrong. :) I met with Psychiatrist, junior today instead of Dr. Sargent. (it's his protege, whose name eludes me). I had a fairly good talk with him about my history of anxiety and I guess they are both still collating info to decide my problem. I had a good talk with Chris, my therapist. I feel closer to her than the psychiatrist, probably because she's a woman and not in a position of direct authority. Ultimately, it's Dr. Sargent that will make the final decision as to my ultimate treatment.

A Bit More Relaxed

I had a bit better day today. Took it easy and listened to music most of the day. I'll be back there again tomorrow and I hope the week will go well.

A Bad Day

It's Saturday after my first two days in therapy. It was a bad day; My wife and I help out at our church by volunteering to set out juice, coffee and cookies after Mass and this was our day to do it. I felt very stressed out after not only my first days at therapy but also the stress of anticipating the event all these past weeks. I just fell apart and couldn't bring myself to go out today so I stayed home while my wife took care of the church stuff. I didn't expect to feel this way so soon, but I really think that it was mostly a result of the build-up of stress over the last month or so waiting to begin the therapy process. I hope that I'll be ok to begin my first full week of it. I'll let you know, I guess.

Day Two Over

Day 2 has passed succesfully. It was pretty good actually. I had another session with my Therapist Chris, and it was interesting. When I suggested that in a large way that the seminars and the classes and such were actually things to keep us occupied until the psychiatrist or therapist finally had time to deal with us. She laughed at my joke but I think she agreed wwith me to a degree. We had a talk about self assertiveness and later in the afternoon we did drumming. Yes, actual drums and other percussion instruments. I found it fun and relaxing but some others actually left after a while. I guess it's not for everyone. I had a proper session with Dr. Sargent, my psychiatrist as well. It was mostly a chance for him to assess my problem and as of this time he's still doing that. He asked me if I knew any jokes (a clever analysis method, I'm sure) and I told him (and the intern that was sitting in) the "Rose" joke. They laughed, which is a good sign. I told him about my fear of strangers and obligations and he asked me what I really wanted to do. By that, he seems to be wanting to tailor my treatment to the lifestyle I'm accustomed to. I'll see him again on Monday so we'll see what he has to say then. Otherwise, it was a pretty good day, all told.

Day One Over

Well, the first day is over. Not too bad, really. Looks like a lot of semi-lectures in group therapy with lots of hand-outs. Did yoga for the first time. Had a decent egg-salad sandwich for lunch. Had a talk with Chris, my therapist and met my psychiatrist, Dr. Sargent. So far, so good.

The Countdown Continues...

Here I am, just a few hours before I go in to my first therapy session. I'm nervous, as usual. I can't wait to get the first day over with so I at least know who, where and what I'm dealing with. Hopefully, my next post will be favourable. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

One day to Therapy Month

Well, in one more day I'll be starting my sessions of psychotherapy in the Rockyview Hospital. I go in at 8:00am to 3:00pm on weekdays for a total of twenty days, not including weekends.
I'm a little nervous about it because I've never experienced this before although my history of anxiety is spread out over my whole life. Finally, I'm going to get professional help. I hope it works.