Let's try this again....

Still doing OK...

Sunday evening and I feel OK. B went for a walk and I sat on a bench in the park and read a book. Beautiful day with the autumn colours swirling around. Got word a few days ago from the centre where I'll be eventually going for weekly therapy in the next couple of months. I can deal with it but I'm glad that it's not anytime soon. I really like having my time back to myself.

A Nice Day...

It was a nice day, today. Got lots of sleep, made dinner, did laundry and made B's lunch. Had a shower and watched the last hour of the old "Battlestar Galactica" episide, "The Gun on Ice Planet Zero." Not a bad episode and it had Roy Thinnes in it as well.(an old Gerry Anderson alumnus). I also finished some work on a silver cross I put together.

The Gallery Grows...

Here I am on my first weekend since my therapy ended. I feel pretty good.
Tonight my wife and I went to a dinner to celebrate the 50th anniversary of our church. A wonderful dinner it was, too. Many meats and potatoes, veggies and desserts.

The Days are Free

Here I am on my second day at home. I feel pretty good. Just have to keep thinking about one day at a time.
To mark the change in my situation, I'm going to place a new piece of art each time I post, instead of goofy pix of me.
Here's the first.

Day Nineteen

Well, here I am at the other end of the whole thing. It's kind of unreal, sort of like when you went to school on the last day before the summer holidays. You'd come in at the usual time but there wouldn't be any classes; everyone would sit at there desk, the teacher waiting for someone to come around to the classroom to drop off the report cards. When that happened, everyone would come up to the teacher's desk when their name was called, take their report card and wave goodbye and leave. Eventually it would be your turn and then you'd head for home even though it was only 10:30 in the morning. It would feel so strange to suddenly be home in the afternoon with the whole fat summer ahead. You'd almost miss everyone and wish it wasn't over. Almost. I had a good day, said my goodbyes to everyone, especially Chris and Dr. Sargeant. After this month of discipline, I hope I can adjust to my former life of leisure. I'll give it a good try.

Day Eighteen

So here is day 18. A good day today; had a good session with Chris and the day's classes went by well. Although I will miss some aspects of the whole program, I'm still looking forward to it being over. I want my life back. I don't have too many qualms about continuing therapy, now that I know what it may be like. I'm glad, however, that there will be some breathing space between now and then.

Day Seventeen

Here I am on my last week of this therapy program. I am(or will be) signed up to another therapy program, probably once a week when it starts. Thankfully, there will be some waiting before I can get in, so I'll have a bit of a breather before it starts. It was a good day and I had a fairly good(but short) session with Dr. Sargeant. He seems pleased that I've decided to continue into another therapy system. What amazes me is that he's heard of "Supermarionation." I think I'll give him that Sigmund Freud action figure I have.

Day Sixteen

Well, it was a pretty good day. Chris was very impressed with my artwork. I had a good reason to go to the trouble of doing that; I felt it was important for her to see that I have gone out into the world, so to speak, and produced artwork that was used and published. It banished the initial impression that I was a total social shut-in and showed that I can deal with the world to an extent. I also saw Dr. Sargeant today and he agreed with me that the triggers for my anxiety may well be my father's early influence as well as my mother's over-protectiveness when I was a child. It was important to me that he concur with that idea, so I didn't feel that it was an illogical leap like something from a movie or TV show. He seemed impressed that I made moves to continue therapy after I was done in this program; It showed that I was still determined to find recovery in my life and not to relapse back to my former ways. It's still a scary thought but hopefully I'll be able to handle it when the time comes.

Day Fifteen

Another day. I felt pretty good this morning; very unusual. Had a brief session with Chris and spoke about my feelings of the previous day during community meeting. I admitted that I had been angry but now it was over and I had no lasting feelings about it. I proposed my theory that I was deliberately cut off to guage my reactions as well as those of everyone else. I know it evokes paranoid thinking but when psychology is involved with its two-way mirrors, microphones and hidden cameras, anything might be possible.
I didn't see Dr. Sargent today and I must admit to a moment of disappointment. Perhaps he has a legitimate reason for not appearing but until I know otherwise, I'm miffed that he didn't show up as he promised. I shall assert myself on this subject tomorrow.

Day Fourteen

Here I am again. Not a bad day today. Got cut off during Community Meeting by the boss of the therapists (she sure likes being in charge). I had been asked a question by one of the other therapists and before I could finish what I was going to say, the boss lady decided I had said enough and that someone else should have a chance to speak. Of course, silence descended and nobody said anything. I was angry at being silenced (and not in a polite way) and fumed for the rest of the session. It was interesting though, because I haven't been actually angry for a long time.
I had a good session with Chris discussing how my general anxiety might be a side effect of my feelings about my dad. Chris also pointed out that my fear of the world in general may well be caused by my overprotective mother. I don't know. Mom once told me that when I was small, I had done something to make her mad and as a punishment, she put me outside the door in the dark. I don't remember it at all, but is it possible that this long-ago incident might have long-range side effects lasting to this day? Could that one-time harsh punishment lead directly to the fear and anxiety that I feel now?
I saw Dr. Sargent for a brief time today. I told him my layman's theory (I'm sure he gets lots of those) about my father's indifference and my current anxiety. He decided to continue tomorrow when he could spend more time with me, so we'll see what he thinks.

Day Thirteen

Another day in therapy. I didn't feel too bad this morning; that's always pleasant. I had a pretty deep session with Chris today. It started me thinking about what is the deep-down reason for my problem with anxiety and my low self-esteem. Later on today we had a class called"Family Legacies" which sounds harmless enough but almost as the class began, I started weeping, thinking about my dad and how I missed him, but more importantly, how I felt about being a disappointment to him. I never felt that I measured up to his idea of a proper son. What, with my being fat, in poor condition (for my age) and my bed-wetting, I always felt that my father didn't love me. Later on in my life, when I was an adult and working in his shop, the opposite happened; he wanted to spend free time with me, but I wasn't interested(to be fair to me, I had spent all my working days in his company; I sure didn't need to see him at night). Now that he lives far away and basically out of touch (except for the odd time I call him) I find myself missing him and I fear that the next time I see him, it will be at his funeral. I constantly dream about him and I feel this is telling me something. Can there be some closure to this? Could my constant feelings of anxiety be a side effect of this need for my father. I'm going to talk to Chris again tomorrow and perhaps bring it up with Dr. Sargent. Stay tuned.

The Wonderful Weekend

Here I am in the middle of the wonderous Long-Weekend. Many coccooning sleeps and relaxation. It's very nice. The upcoming week is also short. Hopefully, I will get through ok.

Day 12

Here I am at day 12. It was a pretty good day, tinctured, as it is, with the heady knowledge of a fat long weekend ahead. It will be good. A little coccooning will be in order, I think. Seven days remain. After that, I don't know.

Day 11

Here I am on day eleven. It seems strange that so much time has gone by. It really seems like only a day or so ago I was nervously walking through the door to "Day Treatment Program's" doorway. I had a good session with Chris today where I was chided for indulging in "sub-grouping" (talking about group subjects with one or more persons between actual group sessions). I also found out that amongst the other therapists, I am considered "aggressive" as opposed to "assertive." That floored me a little. I imagine myself to be quite friendly and unthreatening. I believe that my earnestness and passion can make me seem imposing (as well as my tremendous bulk). It was a strange thing to hear about myself. The day went well, otherwise and I felt better this morning than I had for a long time. The home stretch is getting close.